Mom is wow upside down.

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. Tenneva Jordan

I miss my mom.   I don’t know if I ever won’t miss her.   Moments that are past and moments that are coming up that she won't ever be a part of, leave my heart sad.  Now, expecting child #2 with all the craziness that comes along with it, I extra miss her.  But my mom helped make me strong and capable and while I feel the lack of her presence deeply, I still have her lessons with me every day. 

I am also a lucky girl and I have been granted a life that has been filled with lovely women and mothers who have helped inspire and educate me on how to be a better person.  Not only that, but last year I did this crazy thing and I got married!  With that, my life became enriched even further with Mama Nora and Grandma Rita.  I am still being guided in my life by gentle, loving, nurturing mother's hands.   

Me and my mom at a wedding for a family member I think?  I don't even know how old I am in this picture but I sure was a cute kid at one point in my life. 

Years later, me and my mom at my father's retirement from the navy.  I think this was 2001 or 2002, I know Aydan was little little when we went to this event.  Looking at pictures like this one reminds me of all the times in my life I have been told I look "just like your mother".  

Seattle Museum of Art Sculpture park.  

Space Needle and dude chillin' at the park. 

This smiling sweetheart is Miss Margo and we are SO thankful to have had her to interact with while we have been in Seattle.  She's definitely given us lovely people to hang out with and the gift of her warm personality.  

Crumpets and her boy. 

I'm the blur of back and white in the silver beam you see there.  I really will have photos of me and the growing belly baby posted someday but I rarely ever take pictures of myself and I don't ever ask for my picture to be taken, never have....well, except for our wedding but that was different, right? 

Aydan was intrigued by how they were cool to the touch even though the sun was shining right on them. 

And then the guys talked about it...but I really don't remember the outcome of the conversation...

Aydan & Andrew.  Crumpets & Rosie.  Love & more love. Things that just belong together.  

The guys made dinner that night.  Not really because it was mother's day or anything, although that was nice, but Aydan and Andrew had a curry making lesson planned and the timing worked out perfectly.  Aydan really enjoys Andrew's curry and asks for it pretty much all the time.  But with his growing interest in learning how to really make things in the kitchen, Aydan wanted curry but he also wanted to be the one to make it 

Taste testing or better known as Chef's privilege in our house.  I always say if you're the one in the kitchen it's totally ok to be the one sampling everything too.  

Checking on progress. 

Chopped up pile of squash and my little love mug smiling serenely in the background.  

Now this is my kind of puzzle.  I really do enjoy putting together puzzles but my favorites are the ones that are made out of miniature things like this one.  If it's tiny, it's cute and I will love it.  I can't help it and I don't want to.  I love looking at all the tiny details that make up a normal looking scene like this one. This was part of my mother's day gift as well as one of the super finds while out thrifting a few weekends ago with Andrew.  I was also able to find two dresses and a white cardigan to wear.  Thank goodness!  I'm fairly certain these dresses will make it through the pregnancy and past and I'm just so grateful for something pretty and flattering to wear.  

My other mother's day gift were some of the supplies I had been craving for making a few gift projects.  I have them all done and mailed out as of yesterday.  Just a little late but it's the thought that counts, I hope.  Megan would tell you that one of my love languages is gift giving and she's absolutely right.  Few things in this world give me as much pleasure as putting together little gifts filled with love for people that are dear to me.  

And...well...that's all for now :) 

BIG news!

“Don’t be afraid to give up the good and go for the great.” -  Steve Prefontaine

We're pregnant!!! Oh...no...wait...that announcement has already been made...what was it??? Oh yeah! We're MOVING!  That's what it was!  Some people know about this move and for others, this may be the first time they are hearing about it but...there it is. Moving.  Again.  Sigh.

Two big questions, where and WHY?  Right?  I mean, we JUST got here.  Why would we be taking off again SO soon? Well, I'll tell you.  The where is easy: Bend, OR.  The why part...well, that's far more complicated.  

Where to start...I feel a certain level of trepidation sharing this information.  Andrew, Aydan, Nora, and I have known this was our decision for a moth, maybe two, and we've been keeping it close to the chest mostly because of Andrew's job.  He, sadly, handed in his letter of resignation on Tuesday of this past week which gave me the go ahead to make the full public announcement but...I hesitate.  I fear the head shaking, the "I knew they couldn't do it" that may be the reaction we receive from some people.  This was NOT an easy decision for us, and even though we all KNOW this IS the right decision, it's terribly demoralizing to feel like we "failed" out of Seattle.

But, failed?  Really?  No...that's not the right way to look at it.  And that's what Andrew and I tell each other.  When we made our decision to relocate here we did so with a very long term vision in place.  We realized the sacrifice we were making when we left our incredible circle of friends in Indiana, we knew that the transition would take time and we would need to be patient with ourselves as well as our new environment and we knew that we would need to be determined in order to shape our lives into what we wanted them to be.  Moving here, we were starting from scratch, but we felt ready for the challenge.  All intentions were aimed at being here and making this our home.  For our little family, we knew we could make the best of anything, as long as we were together.  

So what happens when we're together and expanding?  Our long term vision had begun to take on the potentiality of a future addition to our family.  The discussion had been adoption, somewhere WAY in the future and then, over this past summer, turned more toward the desire to actually combine our genes and make a baby.  Andrew and I came to that place where we were welcoming to the idea of a baby.  You know, if it happened, we wouldn't freak out but we both expected the conception part to take time....lots of time.  Six months to a year kind of time.  Naturally, three weeks into living in our new apartment, I was reminded that women in my family tend to lean towards the super fertile and we found out shortly before Christmas that our family would indeed be expanding.  

A baby.  Whoa.  It really felt unreal for a while.  But as the reality started sinking in, the insides of my brain started whizzing through all the things that would and could happen in our lives because of this baby.  Naturally, we started with the doctor's appointments. My MS makes it so that medical attention is something to seek out ASAP.  I had read that women with MS, more often than not. experienced lessened symptoms and minimal flare ups during a pregnancy, which was rather exciting.  The part I didn't read further into was where it was mentioned that women also experience significant INCREASES in flare ups post pregnancy.   There's really no way of knowing what that "significant" increase is, although, with MS, there's never any way of knowing anything about your body on a regular basis.

My last flare up was bad.  Real bad.  Near death twice in one week kind of bad.  My heart had gone all wonky and the damage caused by my flare up left me immobile from the chin down.  The thought of something like that happening again with a newborn in the house is...terrifying.  Once this news had been revealed to us from the neurologist of what could happen, my worry level escalated way past the comfort level.  If I couldn't take care of the baby, then who would?  And while taking care of the baby, I would need to be looked after as well and then there's Aydan to take care of too, even though we all know he would do all he could to be helpful. In our current situation, that leaves...Andrew.  I couldn't bear the thought of all that crashing down on Andrew but I didn't know what to do about it. 

Is anyone going to be surprised that Nora, once again, came to the rescue?  We, of course, had been sharing our concerns with Nora who very clearly remembers what it was like for me in the hospital since she was a dear and flew out to Indiana to be with our family when all that ickiness went down.  Through many discussions a decision was reached and we realized what we needed was a support system.  Specifically, a Nora/Mom/Nonni run support system.  Nora has graciously offered us to set up with her in her house for a while in Bend while we figure things out and who knows, maybe a multi-generational household is in our more long term future? For now, knowing that we will be close to Nora and all the lovely people we have met in Bend already, and the people that she knows that we haven't met yet, offers comfort that I can't even begin to describe.  

I can say in all honesty that I am completely over any level of disappointment I may have experienced when we first came to this decision.  I am sad for Andrew and Aydan. They are giving up more than I am.  But I am thrilled at the thought of what life will be like in Bend.  It's a crazy charming little place, small enough to be comfortable to get around in but large enough to have anything and everything you really need.    The job market isn't as robust as it is around here but we have some ideas and a lot of hope.  Moreover, the sad realization is Andrew and I have both, regrettably, agreed that we aren't city people.  We wanted to fall in love with our new area but it's been difficult to do.  We would have made the best of it and I'm sure at some point we would have found that love that we were looking for but that line of thought is a luxury we can't afford to follow at this time.  

End of June is when everything happens.  Andrew's last day of work is scheduled for June 20th, Aydan flies out to Fort Wayne June 27th,  Andrew and I will schedule movers for the 28th and leave for Bend on the 29th.  In the mean time we plan on getting in as many adventures around here as we can.  There are a few different festivals coming up that we want to attend and different Seattle landmarks we want to wander around, and we have a zoo pass that we need to feel we used because it was such a thoughtful gift from wonderful people in...Bend!  

Isn't life strange and wonderful? Here is yet ANOTHER unforeseen situation where life is throwing us a curve ball, and a sneer, "Let's see what you got".  Well, Life, I have faith, hope, LOVE and a desire to live the heck out of my short existence.  I do not regret where we have come from, our time here, or where we are going.  I am truly blessed in this life with so many amazing gifts and so much love that I feel like pretty much anything is possible, even if it looks nothing like I thought it would.   

It's a wibbly wobbly, timey wimey...thing...

Time is something that has been on my mind a lot lately.  I think mostly because, for the first time in longer than I can recall, I have SO MUCH of it.  Our trek cross country this summer was a fairly constant go, go go and truthfully so has the last...well...seven our eight years.  Maybe ever since my mom died.  The realization that I have crammed my life as full as I possibly could with distractions and little real "me" time is one that I have had a chance to look at head on over the last several months.  I have no real resolutions about what may happen in the upcoming days, weeks, months, years but I do have a better grasp on things I like now and I feel that might just BE something.  

We found out about the pregnancy shortly before Christmas and since then there has been an onslaught of sick and no energy that has ravaged my physical well being and severely dragged down my mental state as well.  During that time I did what I always do, I attempted to find a distraction.  When you live hundreds of miles from your beloved friend group and you are more or less confined to your tiny apartment finding a distraction has its limitations.  I am grateful to the internet, my husband, my son, my dogs and the occasional outing that gets me away from home.  I am also SO grateful for the cards and notes that come in the mail and the phone calls from friends (when I feel up to it!), messages on Facebook, and text messages that keep me feeling in the loop and loved even from so far away.  

The internet has provided me the distraction I used to find in books or school assignments.  While I have viewed my fair share of mindless television programs and sub-par movies I have also consumed a vast number of documentaries which I think is still my favorite viewing option.  While I love a good book, it's so hard to focus on words when I'm not feeling my best.  Since I've been feeling better I have taken the time to run to the library and grab a stack of books on one of my new favorite topics.  Primarily, England from the late 1400's (the beginning reign of King Henry VII) through the reign of Queen Victoria, which ended in the late 1800's.  I have always been fascinated by anything historical but my interests have primarily been in all things Egyptian, Greek, or Roman.  But now...

This is the stack of books I grabbed from the library.  I don't know why I can't reasonably grab just one or why I feel like I am carrying an arm full of treasure when I walk out of the library with a stash like this one.  I have only been able to get through two and a half of these books at this time.  I find it incredibly difficult to read books that I can't cover in my own observations.  It makes me feel like I'm wasting my time.  My solution has been post it notes...but it's not nearly as satisfying.

Thankfully there are all kinds of specials offered through YouTube that share all kinds of things I didn't know about before.  My personal favorite historian at the moment is Lucy Worsley.  She's just so darn cute and I love the topics she covers.  The history of the home: how the kitchen, bathroom, living room, and bedroom all evolved into the rooms we inhabit today.  Or, one of my favorites, is Housewives, Harlots and Heroines.  She talks about the life of women in the 1660's in Britain and covers social hierarchy from the housewife to the Queen along with the many mistresses of King Charles II.  The more of these shows I watch the more I long to be one of those Historians granted access to special documents, manuscripts, books that are only allowed to be touched while wearing white gloves.  I want to romp through castles and palaces and share it with my family.  I want to sit down with a hot cup of tea and read over things that fill my head with questions and wonder and I want to find the people to share these questions and wonder with.  We shall see what happens with these desires but the gears are turning for sure...

This is Lucy Worsley, my current role model, and she's wearing a scarf I USED to own!!! This, and her love of super cute coats and cardigans, tells me I must meet her one day.  I must get her novels...

So besides a ridiculous fascination with the British monarchy I also thoroughly enjoyed all the farm shows that cover various time periods.  So the Elizabethan Farm, the Victorian Farm, Wartime Farm...oh and the one that strayed from the farm to talk about the Victorian Pharmacy was also pretty darn cool.  Yep...I'm a bit of a geek for this kind of stuff...

The other daily distraction is taking care of the dogs.  We have been here since November which is more or less winter and I have to say, this is the most active I have been during a winter since I was a kid. I am probably even more so because I have yet to wear the burdensome layers necessary to play out in the cold in the majority of the other places I have lived in.  I do not enjoy the cold.  Snow is pretty for looking at and for forming into a ball to throw at people and that's about it.  This winter I have walked outside nearly every day.  The dogs and I both need the exercise and a break from being inside.  We take our loops around the apartment complex up to three times a day,  in total about an hour a day of walking.  I am SO thankful for these walks even if I do grumble at the dogs about having to get up and get on my poncho/walking snuggy, boots and hat before I can get them on their leashes and get them out for a walk.  The three of us get better at it all the time though and the benefits for all of us in undeniable.  The dogs stay healthy and happy looking and I don't feel so bad that most of my day is spent doing very little.  

This is Rosie's chair.  High or low, it is where you can find her 80% of the time.  If she is NOT on the chair she is scheming ways to BE in the chair.  

I really just love these two dogs.  My life, right now, would be pretty lonely without them.  I would be fine, of course, if they weren't here but I am better off because they are.  The two of them make me laugh and offer me snuggles and love throughout the day.

The highlight of each day is when the guys get home.  Aydan comes through the door a little after three each day and tells me what his day has been like.  He's been bounced around quite a bit this year and has handled it with a level of balance and perspective that just blows me away.  I realize EVERY DAY how amazing my son is.  I mean really.  He's like...well...the best.  Being 13 I'm sure there are those topics that can generally become weird and strained in the parent/child relationship but so far...we are doing great.  Aydan becomes more and more the young man I knew he would become all the time.  His interests are developing as is his confidence and he has yet to go all tool bag on us.  Instead of this being a time in life that could be pulling us apart, I feel my relationship with Aydan is stronger and better all the time.  I love being a parent.  

Aydan with the fox at the Zoo. We were given a year long zoo pass to the zoo in Seattle by friends of ours in Bend.  What a nice thing to do!!! We have only gone once but I have a feeling we will be going a few more times for sure! 

This is one of the new things that Aydan has developed a strong interest in - long boarding.  And if he can get Crumpets to pull him around while he does the macarena, it's a bonus.  

And then there's Andrew.  Oh my goodness.  I really don't know what kinds of twists and turns life had to take to bring us together but, gosh darn it, I am thankful for each and every one of them.  I have a PARTNER.  He has been incredible through out every challenge I have faced since before we were married.  Maybe that's why it was so easy to say yes when he proposed :)  Andrew has shouldered SO much since we've moved here.  So many responsibilities that I feel I should have been able to help with but haven't been able to and he's done it without complaint.  When I feel bad for whatever thing it is I feel bad for at the moment he gently steps in and reminds me of how much he loves me, he loves Aydan and how taking care of us isn't a problem, it's part of life.  I love that he will come home after I have felt like puke and been puking and will still kiss me on the forehead and tell me I'm beautiful or that after a day with Lucy Worsley I can ramble on and on to him about all these strange little details I've learned and he ENJOYS it.  Sigh.  I shake my head continuously over the love I have for my husband and not just love but being IN LOVE, feeling my heart lift when he comes home, feeling the comfort of being held by him, the support that everything will be ok and that as long as the three of us are together, we got this messy thing called life...gifts without compare.  

Not as successful with getting Rosie to pull as Aydan was with Crumpets.  No one was all that surprised.  

Family life is just terrible...and blurry :)

I really like this picture of Andrew.  One of our walks at Richmond Beach park. 

Have I mentioned how geeked I get when there are little goodies for me in the mail?  The scarf was a lovely gift from dear Lisa.  

Along with these really sweet, handmade magnets.  Yay!  More fridge art! 

And then you get awesome little cards like this one from sweet little Agatha.  I miss that little girl SO much!  Not to mention her mother who is the kind of woman who encourages her little ones to hand write notes to people.  That is a good habit to pass along.  You are a brilliant mother, dear Megan :) 

Again with Lisa sending things that fill me with glee!  Pretty stationery and a Doctor Who bookmark!  I am really a geek over only one show and it's Doctor Who.  I may or may not be looking for a plush TARDIS for Arthur.  He needs one, right? 

Megan knows and loves me so well.  Part of her christmas gift this year was this awesome "Everything is gonna be ok" journal, which happens to be the mantra Megan and I have shared between us for nearly a decade now.  Naturally, I got more than a little happy over this giant quote from an author that means so much to Megan and I.  Love and miss that woman SO much. 

And...that's life, in a nut shell, as it has been over the last few months.  Once again I find myself in a situation I had not been expecting and I feel that the ups and downs have been handled as successfully as possible.  There are always going to be challenges.  It can't be helped.  What can be changed is how I handle the things that happen and I know, that given time and love, I will always give it my best.  

For Tulips and Jelly Beans

To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.

Buddha

How true is THAT statement?  My health has been...unpleasant for the last several months and while I understand the duty of maintaining my good health I don't always feel as though I have as much control over that duty as I would like.  I am not complaining, just making observations.

The strong and clear mind is really the first thing that slips away from me when I'm not feeling well.  As I've been gaining more sleep I've also been gaining more energy as well as the clarity and strength of mind that has been sorely lacking in my life.  Regaining what has felt lost is helping me to pull together life now and, as best as possible, life in the future.  Andrew and I discuss frequently how our plans have to be incredibly flexible because we recognize the mercurial ways of life.  At the moment, one of the things on my goal list is to jump back into writing.  Writing, for me, has always been cathartic however actually sitting down and making it happen can be quite taxing.  BUT...I'm doing it anyway, dammit, because I'm finished with feeling like I let little things like being tired or uncomfortable beat me down.  So there, life! 

There!  That's all out.  My thought is to sum up what the family does on the weekend.  Let's face it, the week is pretty dull.  The guys head off in the morning for work and school and I do the house wife thing at home.  The guys come home, we all hang out, then we all go to bed.  Normal, family life.  The weekends are what I look forward to the most.  I try to find something for us to do, either free or super cheap, each weekend.  This weekend was the Tulip festival in Mount Vernon.  

On a previous outing with the family we had stopped at Cafe Ladro, a little coffee shop that purchases beans from Andrew's place of employment.  We, naturally, wanted to try out the coffee.  Quite satisfactory, as were the little bakery treats we each chose.  On the way out the door there happened to be a local paper open to a story about the Tulip Festival.  I had just been reading a book that had mentioned something about this area being particularly good for growing bulb flowers and I figured we maybe needed to check this out.  

Sunday morning we woke up early, I made brownies, packed us a picnic and fixed fried egg sandwiches for all of us for breakfast.  Once we had our travel mugs and water bottles filled, the dogs leashed and everyone packed down with the days necessities, we were on our way out the door.  

This dog loves being in the car.

She also loves hanging out with her boy :) 

Driving by fields of daffodils. 

I had no idea tulips could look like peonies...

Rosie's turn to snuggle. 

Reminders of friends everywhere we go. Maggie Miller :) 

We felt like we really didn't get a chance to stretch our legs quite as much as we had hoped while at the festival.  At least, I didn't think so.  And I wasn't ready to head home just yet.  We found a sign for a state park and beach and I said lets go.  Thankfully I travel with two guys that are, more often than not, open to exploring new places as well.  

Summer plans, anyone?  I still haven't rented a cabin at any of the parks I've ever been to but I'd really like to someday.  

Of course he wanted to try to find a way to climb up there.  Thankfully, he realized there were few strong grips for him to be able to make a safe climb.  I love that the men in my family want to climb all over everything they see but the worried mom comes out over some of their choices.  This was one of them. 

Another reminder of friends we love!  Star Trek will ALWAYS and forever make me think of Megan...along with about a million, trillion other things I see or do daily.  And the green outback brings to mind our dear friend John Tod.  The people we have left behind are never really far from us and are missed deeply by each of us. 

Tulips from my husband as a tribute to our weekend plans and a bowl full of candy to commemorate the commercialism and sugary goodness of the holiday...not to mention my pregnant weakness to say yes to my son who felt Easter was incomplete without jelly beans.  I had to have the black jelly beans as my holiday tribute to my father who would and could finish off an entire bag on his own.  I don't know how old I was when I realized why he loved the bizarre sweet and spicy taste of those little candies but I do remember the shared moments of jelly bean love between me and my father.  It's the little things that are so very precious. Like tulips and jelly beans. 

So that was Sunday of this past weekend.  Saturday was a day of errand running for Andrew and me.  Nothing super exciting although our run to goodwill was pretty darn awesome.  I love when we leave with four things and spend less on all of them than we would have for any one of them had we bought each item new.  I got a new dress for $3! And it looks new and I can mix it up in about 20 different ways which is KEY for me and the clothes I wear.  We were also able to find a few of the other things that I keep holding off on buying when we are on a Target or Fred Meyer run.  I have a really hard time buying anything new until I've had a chance to look at it second hand first and I must say I am grateful for this frugal tendency.  And I have fun going on the hunt for that just right item :)  Makes my day...or week.  Whatever.  

I don't really know what we have planned for this weekend.  Saturday Andrew is attending a specialty coffee event where he will be preparing coffee and representing Atlas Coffee Roasters.  I know he's super looking forward to it and maybe I'll see if I can get him to write something about it.  Aydan and I have been discussing watching horror movies together and eating popcorn.  As for Sunday...don't know yet.  There are a few places I have on my list to check out and I'm really feeling like I want a hike someplace...I guess we shall see :)  Have a great rest of the week and weekend everyone!